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Written by Emily Cross.
20 minute read
When someone you love is dying and nearing the end of their life, it completely makes sense if you feel like you have no idea what to say to them. There may be so many conflicting feelings and intense emotions within you that it may seem like you are unable to clarify your thinking. Finding the right choice of words is something that matters, not just to your loved one, but to you.
Being able to talk to them in a way that provides comfort and that also allows you to express how you are feeling could be a crucial first step on your healing journey. For many of us, it can be hard to find a balance between offering comfort and expressing ourselves. This can feel even more challenging when your loved one is unwell and aware they may not have long left.
Over many years of providing direct cremation services for families across the UK, we have seen some truly inspirational coping methods. The way people from all walks of life approach grief and grieving in a way that allows them to continue to feel a sense of hope can be deeply moving. We hope that by sharing our experiences and observations, we can help you to find encouraging words when someone is dying that you will feel are appropriate.
Key takeaways:
Finding the right words for someone who is dying is something many people struggle with, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to believe that being lost for words means you don’t care, but the truth is quite the opposite. The swirl of emotions you might feel is a sign of how much you care for your loved one.
As you begin to sit and reflect on the right choice of words, you may start to explore the emotional and spiritual impact they can have during the end-of-life stages. They are some of the last words that your loved one will hear, and you may feel that they are somehow taking them with them to whatever comes next. They are also some of the last things you will say to them and could define a large part of how you reflect on your relationship as you grieve.
Many people find that sharing sincere words and being fully present, offering a sense of emotional safety, matters far more than trying to sound poetic. Time is the most precious gift you can give, and speaking in a way that feels true to how you normally talk can feel more honest and comforting. Although it’s often easier said than done, keeping calm and creating a peaceful, reassuring atmosphere may help the person listening to you feel more at ease.
Giving yourself a moment to gather your thoughts before going in can help you steady your emotions. No one expects you to be entirely composed, but being able to stay relatively calm might allow you to connect more deeply with the person who is dying. Even so, try to be gentle with yourself if your feelings become overwhelming, it is perfectly human not to have complete control.
Imagine that you are looking for words of comfort for a friend with a dying parent. You know the parent very well yourself, and so you are in the room with your friend and their parent at some point. You may feel like you have to achieve perfection with your words, but this may unintentionally put too much pressure on yourself. Being present, authentic, and compassionate are typically valued far more by all those involved.
As a family-run funeral provider, we have heard many stories about families and loved ones providing meaningful support through presence and silence as much as the spoken word. By being there and letting the person who is dying know that you care for them, you may not even have to say very much at all. Little things like the tone of your voice and a caring and positive approach to your body language may all help, as could a warm facial expression.
If you are reading this and thinking that you may have to put on an act because of the deep sorrow you feel, don’t worry. We are not asking you to act or suggesting that you pretend to be someone you are not. What we’re trying to convey is that there are a variety of ways to communicate comfort and love when someone is dying. Even if you have no idea what to say when you enter the room, our experience has always been that the words will come when they are ready.
Trying to decide what to write to someone whose family member is dying is a different journey than conveying your condolences in the event of an unexpected death of a loved one. A loved one who dies suddenly may cause profound shock, but a loved one who is ill for some time may result in a prolonged period of sorrow and mourning. Regardless of the situation, finding a way to express yourself through emotionally supportive and reassuring language may really help.
Many people find talking about death and dying intimidating or upsetting at first, and this is perfectly understandable. Depending on your outlook on life, death may create feelings of finality or uncertainty, both of which can trigger a range of intense emotions. For this reason, you may find it helps to take a step back and consider a softer, warmer approach to language.
Trying to find calm, gentle, and caring choices of words that you can deliver in your own authentic way may be of help. Combine this approach with your physical presence by the side of the person who is dying or the individual whose loved one is dying, and you may be able to have a lasting impact on how they feel. Some also try to pace their delivery so that it is soothing and provides an element of relaxation to those in the room. By taking your time and expressing yourself with reassuring, compassionate language, you free yourself to create a level of intimacy that may help you begin to grieve when the time comes.
If you want to know how to start a conversation about death with the person you love, you may find it helps to start by looking back at where you have come from together. Talking about shared memories, happy moments you enjoyed together, and times when you felt especially close can bring comfort and help strengthen your bond. If you feel able to share these memories and then let them know that they will live on with you after they die, you may be able to provide a great sense of comfort.
One of the difficulties with trying to prescribe a set approach is that everyone is unique. You know your friend or loved one in an intimate way, so we would never consider trying to dictate how you should speak to them at this time. We only want to provide you with options to think about and things to consider.
Taking a moment to consider how your friend’s sense of humour and views on life and death could be woven into how you talk to them may be helpful. This could then help you to be intentional with your words, but in a way that keeps them authentic and meaningful to the person who is dying. Many people find that their loved ones want to be treated as they would have been before they became unwell, and this sense of normalcy is something you may wish to consider if it feels right to you.
Trying to put pen to paper at a time like this is something that may be difficult, but it is also something that may help you to process how you are feeling. Reading some of the timeless grief poems for healing that have been written over the centuries may help you to figure out what to say when someone is dying. Using the poems as a chance to find the time and space you need to reflect could help you to unpick the interwoven emotions many feel at this time.
You may also find that spoken words feel too difficult and that writing them down is a way you can still pay your respects to your loved one before they die. Some people find that writing a short message that is grounded in the present really helps. By talking about the emotional connection the two of you have right now, you don’t have to focus so much on formal goodbyes and grander gestures.
If you feel that writing in the present is most appropriate, you may find that it helps to write as if you were talking directly to your loved one. Showing both respect and compassion for the journey they are on now and the amazing memories you made together along the way may help. It’s a chance to be present in the moment with your loved one and to show them that there is so much they can be proud of as they come to reflect on their own life.
One of the roadblocks you may face is that, even when you know what to say to someone who is dying soon, you also have to speak to friends and family. They will be coping with grief in a variety of different ways, and finding the right choice of words for each person may be overwhelming.
You may find that it helps to try to simplify your thought process. By acknowledging pain and offering presence, you may be able to bring comfort to the people you are speaking to. Being honest, heartfelt, and realistic about how long it may take to heal may also help. While it may be tempting to be very positive and optimistic in an attempt to lift the mood, you may find that you are unwittingly minimising someone else’s grief.
It may also help to consider some of the more popular books about grief and see if there is a writer whose approach resonates with you. They may be able to introduce you to an emotionally grounded approach based on respectful language. Following this path could then help you to honour the family’s experience in a way that you feel is appropriate.
There may also be times when you feel conscious of potentially overstepping. For example, knowing what to write to someone very close to you who is dying may not prepare you for someone with whom you have a little more distance. This is where our guide on what to say when you don’t know what to say may help. You might also find that the following suggestions give you something to think about:
It is understandable if you want to spend as much time as possible with your loved one before they die, but at the same time, you may find they need space. Other people may want to see them, there may be times when they are tired, and there may be times when they wish to be alone. Respecting their wishes will show that you care and give them some degree of control over the time they still have left.
If you find yourself worrying about what you can say to someone who is dying and what you cannot, you may find this section helpful. Of course, you have the right to approach this as you see fit, but you may find that considering the following:
If you are able to respect each individual’s grieving process and belief system, you may find that you can speak with authenticity while making a meaningful connection. In moments like these, it can be tempting to try to make everything better, but this is often beyond what anyone can do. In fact, attempting to may accidentally invalidate the emotions that other people in the room are experiencing. Listening and being intentional with your words is often a better approach to take and will help validate emotions in a positive way.
Being present and showing that you care via your actions, not your words, is something that may touch many people. If you are already experiencing anticipatory grief and are unable to articulate yourself as you would like, focusing on being present is also valuable.
The act of providing quiet companionship and serving as a physical presence may often be seen as more meaningful than a conversation. If your loved one is ill and unable to talk, their knowing that you are there by their side may deliver a real source of comfort. Holding hands, sharing a poignant silence, or even just listening to music or watching something together may all feel natural.
Simple things that many of us take for granted on a daily basis, such as looking at one another, may also help you to have an attentive presence. Unspoken gestures have the ability to provide comfort and reassurance that many of us are unable to achieve with words alone. Leaning into this side of things may help you at times when you feel unable to find a choice of words that you feel happy with.
Following the emotional and verbal cues of the dying person may also allow you to initiate sensitive conversations about death and legacy. Some find that reading one of the many books about death that resonate helps, especially if you want to learn how to start prioritising listening over leading.
Depending on the health and emotional state of your loved one, they may not be ready for an in-depth discussion that, to many, has such a sense of finality. Their time is their own, and giving them the floor so that they can lead while you listen is something they will greatly appreciate. Gentle prompts that come with no pressure and are open-ended are something that many people choose to use here. Because of the personal nature of these types of conversations, we don’t feel it would be right to provide a list of set phrases. Instead, you may find that being attuned to the mood and health of your loved one will help guide you.
You may get a sense of comfort from knowing that there are ways people can maintain a sense of connection after death. Here are some suggestions that you may feel are helpful at this time:
Communal remembrance events may also provide comfort to both family and friends. A summer BBQ, a walk in the hills, getting everyone to participate in a race and raise money for a charity — there are plenty of things to consider here. If you are able to agree on something that you feel is a fitting tribute to your loved one, you could make it an annual event as well.
Checking in at future milestones such as the first anniversary of the death may also help keep the connection alive in a way that makes a real difference. Digital memorial pages are a popular way to do this and allow everyone to post photos and share memories when they feel the time is right. As the months and years go by, the memorial could evolve into a place you can go to online when you want to feel closer to your loved one. Being able to see photos of them and read memories others have left could help you to remember that they touched so many lives.
Our goal is always to provide help in as many ways as we can. While this guide has focused on the emotional side of things, we are also always here to help with the practical side of things. Options like our *pre-paid funeral plans may help get things in order before a loved one dies, while our guide, where we compare funeral plans, may help you understand your options.
We want you to know that we can help in any way you need, and that means we are always here for you. When you feel ready, connecting with our team will allow you to get everything you need to move forward. We will make sure we only ever move at a pace you feel comfortable with, allowing you to have complete control at an understandably difficult time.
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Due to the complex and personal nature of these types of events, it would not be right for us to try and prescribe a specific phrase to use. Instead, we find it often helps to focus on comforting, authentic, and warm language that shows the person who is dying that you care for them.
If your relationship is built around humour, a little humour may help. If your relationship has taken you to some incredible places, sharing some common memories may help. Taking your time to think about how you can provide warmth and comfort to your loved one at this time may help you find the words before you walk into the room.
One of the most common ways to say goodbye in a way that is gentle and compassionate is to share a comfortable silence. Holding their hand, letting them feel your presence, and smiling at them if they look you in the eye may all help add the right sentiment to the moment. You may also want to play some of their favourite music in the background so that they can enjoy something that holds a deep sense of meaning for them.
Your presence, not your search for perfect wording, is the most important thing at this time. By showing that you are there for them, you let them know that you care about them. You may also find that it helps to talk softly about how the memories you have made together will live on through you. This sense of carefully judged positivity may help the person who is dying feel like their life will still have meaning after they have died.
Being able to talk about death and being both open and vulnerable together is something that may play a significant part in the healing and grieving process. If you wish to talk to the person who is dying, you may want to let them lead the conversation. Gentle prompts and acknowledging the fact that they may not have the physical or emotional energy for a prolonged conversation are key components here. In our experience, it’s all about balancing clarity with compassion and understanding.
Every religion will have its traditions and rituals for this point in life, and the person who is dying may derive great comfort from them. You may wish to have a local religious figure present who will be able to deliver the words in a way that is appropriate and proportional.
Letting them know what they mean to you and how you will take the memories you share with you through the rest of your life is a common approach to take here. The key is to be kind, caring, and understanding at a time when the person who is dying may be faced with a complex range of very intense emotions.
It is perfectly understandable if you don’t know what to say, but your presence by their side is typically the most important thing. Sitting with them, looking at them fondly, and holding their hand may provide a great source of comfort. Words alone often struggle to have the same power as being there in person, so you should not feel like you have somehow failed if you don’t know what to say.
After you have spent time with your loved one, you may also want to make time and space for yourself. This will allow you to practise self-care so that you can continue to help your loved one in a way that is healthy and sustainable.
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