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Written by Emily Cross.
17 minute read
When someone you love is grieving, it can be hard to find the words to help them. On one level, you want to try to make everything okay, and yet on the other hand you know that’s just not possible. Saying nothing may be tempting at times if you feel unsure of what to do, but you may also worry that your loved one will think that you don’t care about how they are feeling. All of these emotions and outlooks are completely understandable at a time like this.
As suppliers of direct cremation services, we talk to people who are experiencing grief and grieving on a daily basis, and that means we hear many different approaches and turns of phrase. Our goal here is to help you find something you feel comfortable with and that you think will help the person you care for while they are grieving.
You may find that working through this guide one section at a time helps you to find an approach that you can then adapt to your individual situation. We hope that it provides some balance and support at a time when finding either may feel challenging.
Key takeaways:
Figuring out what to say when you don’t know what to say can be difficult. The main issue here is being able to gauge the level of emotional sensitivity that is required, when you want to be able to connect in a meaningful way with someone who is grieving.
Sometimes it may help to break down the different components to get a clearer idea of what the person you are helping may need from you:
You may also find that thinking about how to combine all of these with a deep sense of understanding that accepts your loved one is not going to be functioning like they would pre-grief helps too. Making allowances while providing help will help them to process what they are feeling and understand what has happened to them on an emotional level.
As a family-run funeral provider that works with people all over the country, we come across so many different approaches, choices of wording, and turns of phrase. We hope that by sharing some of them with you today we can play a small part in helping you to make a difference to someone you love and care for.
Sometimes less is more when you don’t want to overwhelm or inundate the person you are trying to comfort. Trying to avoid clichés or platitudes that may unintentionally minimise grief and instead focus on simple, sincere choices of words may help strike the right balance:
These types of phrases focus on validation, empathy, and acknowledgment of the death that has struck their life, but in a way that is simple and doesn’t make them feel like they should reply right then and there. Letting them know that they can reach out and connect with you whenever they feel they need to may help them feel supported during times when they may otherwise feel alone.
You may feel that every death is a tragedy in some sense, but it’s also understandable if you find that you want to approach offering support in a way that depends on the specific situation. For example, if a close friend has lost a colleague or acquaintance, a different approach will typically be needed than if they have lost a child or their partner. This is not to minimise or compare, but more to account for the specific sensitivities and emotions that are at play:
Taking a moment to consider your relationship with the person who is grieving, as well as their relationship with the person who has died, may help you to find an approach you feel most comfortable with. It’s also important to be kind and understanding with yourself at this time — no choice of wording will undo the pain they are experiencing so trying not to search for a state of unattainable perfection may be best here.
Figuring out how to go about remembering a loved one is something that many of us understandably struggle with, and we should never feel judged for doing so. You may find it helps to take a closer look at a few of the different ways some people choose to word their written messages, cards, and letters.
Heartfelt condolence messages are often included in cards, texts, and emails and can make a real difference to how the recipient feels as they will get a sense of the support that is out there for them when they feel ready to open up. Some common phrases that you may wish to consider include:
Keeping them short, sincere, and thoughtful may help to remove any feeling on the need of the recipient that they need to reply directly to you at this difficult time. A different approach would be to quote a favourite passage or verse if you know the person you are connecting with is a lover of literature. If you think they may find a small piece from one of the famous funeral poems or non-religious funeral poems that are out there helpful, adding it in your own hand may also be something you wish to consider.
There may be times when simply sitting with someone and listening to what they are saying is the most effective approach you can take. For example, many people we have spoken to over the years who are trying to figure out how to cope with the death of a parent tell us that just knowing there is someone they can turn to when they need to really helps. This is less about grand gestures and one-off visits and more about a constant, steady, and reliable presence at a time when someone they would have turned to in similar situations has died.
You may also find that there are times when speaking is not the first approach to take. By simply being there and giving the person who is grieving a chance to voice how they are feeling could make a big difference. Allowing silence, respecting their need and desire for space, and being compassionate with your listening could help validate emotions and foster a sense of healing.
Grief is such a complex, nuanced thing to have to navigate in large part because of the fact that much of the healing has to come from within. While you may wish to be able to find a turn of phrase that makes everything okay, sitting and listening with understanding and empathy may often be more effective. This is because by doing so you give the person you are helping the time and space they need to voice how they are feeling and begin to process what their emotions mean.
Just as learning how to break bad news is a skill that many of us have to practice, so is finding the right choice of words when someone is grieving. Yes, we all grieve in our own way and we all show our support for others in our own way, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t grey areas where, if you tread, you may unwittingly cause upset or offence. Here are some common examples that you may wish to make yourself aware of so that you can provide the help and support that will make all the difference:
Overly optimistic statements that may feel insensitive and unsolicited advice that may feel like you are trying to tell them how to grieve and how to function may also not go down well at this time. Choosing words that honour the person’s unique grief journey and show them that you are there for them may be the best approach to take as it will let them know that you are always there when they need you.
One of the most confusing things about coping with grief is that it is far from a straight-forward process — your journey may feel like it is constantly taking detours or forcing you to retrace your steps when all you want to do is feel better. Understanding that the person you are trying to help may be feeling like this could help you to adapt to the stage of grief they find themselves at and to show them that it is perfectly understandable to feel the way they do right now.
Showing immediate support in the form of sympathy messages in funeral flowers, a text message within the first 24 hours, and going out of your way to call and leave a message could all help. The key point here is balance. You want to be able to show the person who is grieving the death of a loved one that you are there for them, but at the same time, you don’t want them to feel like you are demanding their time and attention while they are still in a state of shock.
Many people find that they reach out within the first 24 hours by leaving a message or sending a card because it shows the recipient that they are in your thoughts but doesn’t make them feel obliged to reply to you immediately. If you are particularly close to the family, you may already know that they expect you to visit in person, in which case a quick call or message to let them know in advance may help them here.
One of the most challenging things is showing that you are there but not trying to make everything better as quickly as possible, as much as you would like to. Practicing patience, presence, and simple acts of kindness may help you to pace how you are there for them in a way that doesn’t overwhelm them. There may well come a time when they suddenly want you in their life a lot more, in which case letting them know that you are always available may provide a source of great comfort.
Whether they are processing the unexpected death of a loved one or they are working through a death that has, unfortunately, been in their thoughts for a long time, the person you are helping may need an extended period of ongoing support.
Checking in regularly to see how they are feeling is something that many people find helps, and you don’t always have to directly address the death they are coming to terms with. Sometimes being there as a friend and giving them an outlet or a chance to enjoy some downtime can really help with their emotional healing. Others also stress the importance of acknowledging important dates such as birthdays and first death anniversaries, and this is something that you may find helps too.
Allowing your presence in their life to be a constant they can rely on — yet one whose nature evolves as their healing journey progresses — may help you strike the right balance. As the person you are helping continues to heal, you may well find that they say explicitly what they need from you in a way they may not have been able to in the first few weeks. Being receptive and open to what they suggest may help you to help them in a way they truly appreciate as the months go by.
The way people approach talking about death and dying varies considerably, especially when different cultures are part of the wider picture. Having some level of understanding of the cultural traditions or religious practices that your loved one lives their life by may help you to find the right approach. Because there is so much variation, it’s simply not possible to create a definitive guide on what to do in each individual case, but you may find that some general principles help:
If in doubt, a thoughtful, kind, and compassionate initial message may be the best way to let the mourner know that you are there for them. They will appreciate the effort you have gone to and will like to know that they are in your thoughts, even if they don’t immediately reply to you.
There are many grief counsellors online who can help you to figure out how to start a conversation about death, and you may find that putting your friend in touch with one helps. There are also HR professionals in many workplaces who may be able to offer help and support on an ongoing basis as the healing journey continues.
If you find that you are mainly helping your loved one with the practical considerations they need to work through, we have guides that may help, including our guide where we compare funeral plans to help guide you through your options. This may help you to clarify your thinking and show you that there are a variety of different options that could help with the healing process along the way.
We truly hope that you have found a new viewpoint or perspective at this difficult time and that putting it into practice may allow you to be there for the person you love in a way that makes a difference to their grieving journey.
As a provider of things like *prepaid funeral plans that help people who are still alive get their affairs in order, as well as traditional funerals, we talk to people at different stages of grief on a daily basis. Our goal is to be here for you no matter who you are and what you are experiencing right now, and that extends to the emotional side of things as much as it does to the practical and logistical matters you may be faced with at this time.
*Terms and conditions apply. You will receive a funeral plan summary before purchase.
The key thing to remember is that an empathetic and open message will show the recipient that you are there for them, while something overly positive or optimistic may unintentionally sound like you are minimising recent events. Let them know that you are there for them and that they can reach you any time and you will be able to provide support by being a reliable presence in their life.
A kind, compassionate approach that shows you care and lets the mourner know that you are there for them is often seen as the most appropriate approach to take. Some choose to share a memory, provide a few words of comfort, or focus on conveying the fact that the mourner is never alone.
You may wish to avoid anything overly positive or anything that compares one death or tragic event to another. While you will no doubt have the best of intentions, it’s important to remember that the person you are reaching out to may well sit and reflect on your few short words many times during their healing journey. If they feel like you are minimising their loss in any way, you may find that they are less able to reach out when they need you as they may feel that you don’t really understand what they are going through.
Being present and listening are two things that many people who are navigating their grief often tell us they truly value. Knowing that there is someone there to validate their feelings and to listen to what they are feeling may give them something to hold onto at a time when a key part of their support network may no longer be with them.
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