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Written by Emily Cross.
18 minute read
The death of a loved one is something that many of us deal with in our own way, and that certainly includes the day of the funeral service. When someone you care about dies, you might feel completely alone in your grief. Though that is valid, there are likely many mutual friends and loved ones who are also mourning. Knowing what to say to them on the day of the funeral may also help you process your feelings.
In our role as a provider of direct cremation services, we hear from people who are experiencing grief on a daily basis. It allows us to connect with so many different outlooks and hear about a wide variety of different approaches. We hope that by sharing some of them with you today that we can provide a sense of support and guidance when you may need it most.
The following guide is written to provide fresh perspectives and encouragement, but without making you feel forced to adopt a particular approach. Our goal is to show you that we are there for you in a way that allows you to keep moving forward. If you find an approach that resonates, you may also find that providing support to others on the day helps you to heal.
Key takeaways:
Meaningful words of sympathy and authentic presence really matter on the day of a funeral because they show that you truly care. Grief is such a complex, personal process that it may feel overwhelming trying to figure out which approach to take. Being kind and patience with yourself and remembering that you are mourning, too, may help you to maintain perspective and adopt sustainable habits.
The emotional vulnerability of your fellow mourners means that, many times, a great deal of comfort can be derived from simple gestures. Little things like offering a lift, helping them to their seat, or sharing your number if they want to call you later on may all make a difference. It’s about showing compassion in a meaningful way, but maintaining a sense of balance so that you still respect their need for space at this time.
Our role as a family-run funeral provider has given us the privilege of serving so many people over the years, and many of them have told us about the importance of talking. Silence is something that can feel lonely at times, even if it is being offered with the best of intentions. It may be the case that all the other person wants is the briefest exchange of words so that you can authentically acknowledge one another. After this has been navigated, they may then be more than happy to have a respectful silence as it gives them time for reflection.
Even just a one-line message or a 15-second conversation in person may make all the difference to someone else on the day of the funeral. They will appreciate the gesture as much as the words themselves and note that you went out of your way to speak to them. These little things may also help you maintain perspective and find ways to heal by showing you that you can do so many things to honour your loved one’s legacy.
Imagine, for a moment, that you are trying to comfort someone in the event of an unexpected death of a loved one. This is a situation that may have created a very different range of emotions than the death of an elderly relative who had been poorly for some time, but there is also something universal at play here. Being able to speak to someone else, even just for one minute before the funeral, shows them that you care and you will be present when they need you to be. Here are some simple messages that you may consider using when the time is right to reach out:
The point here is that a warm, kind, and non-intrusive tone may help you to reach out to anyone attending the funeral, regardless of the nature of the death you are mourning. Speaking with honesty and warmth can help the other person feel you’re someone they can reach out to — just what they might need when their own support network has been shaken.
It’s understandable if you feel like a phone call on the morning of the funeral would be intrusive or overwhelming for the person you are trying to help. A text message, on the other hand, removes all of the onus to reply and is something that they can re-read as they begin to process the events of the day. Here are some starting points that you may wish to work with and personalise until they feel right:
Tailoring your message so that it takes into account how the two of you tend to talk to one another may also help. While you may think it’s best to send a formal, traditional style of message, if you know your friend would prefer something more understated or conversational, this may be the best approach. They will appreciate the gesture either way, but if the message feels authentically like you, they may feel a greater sense of connection with it.
One of the most daunting aspects of finding the words is trying to figure out when you should say them. If you find that trying to figure out seemingly simple things like timing is causing you anxiety, you may find it helpful to take a closer look at what happens at a funeral. By being able to build a picture of what the day may look like, you may find that you can ground yourself in the moment a little bit easier. Here are some suggested words that you may wish to add your own personal touch to:
Focusing on sincerity and mindfulness when it comes to the tone you adopt may be key here. You may find that the more open and sincere you are, the more the listener gets out of hearing your words. A warm demeanour and approachable body language may also help emphasise the fact that you are there for them. Combining actions with words in this way may help you to provide a real source of comfort to many of your fellow mourners. Our experience has been that if you are able to do this, you may also find that you can start your healing journey in a way that provides you with a clear direction.
Even though you may feel that much of the funeral etiquette in the UK is about formality and understatement, many people now find a text message perfectly appropriate. Texts don’t make the recipient of your words feel like they have to reply right then and there, and they also act as something that they can reflect on and return to throughout the day.
Sometimes it is tempting to try to ‘fix’ things with the perfect turn of phrase or to address a wide array of issues with a lengthy message. While you are, no doubt, doing this with the best of intentions, there is another approach. Focusing on sending short, thoughtful messages instead of elaborate statements may help you to strike the right balance. A short message may also be easier to digest for someone who is upset or struggling emotionally on the day.
One of the most compassionate ways to share your words with someone is to talk about a memory you have of the person who has died. If you’re looking for what to say when you don’t know what to say, you may find that one of these starting points resonates:
There are so many people you may find yourself speaking to at the funeral that it may not be possible to have lengthy exchanges. Likewise, it may not feel right to start talking about death and dying in an in-depth way. For this reason, many people opt for gentle, brief exchanges that acknowledge grief and provide comfort and reassurance.
Being kind and respectful at the funeral is something that comes naturally to many, but it may also be overwhelming if you are still in shock or experiencing profound grief. If you find that you are stressed about the prospect, you may find that adopting a set phrase helps: “It’s good to see you here—I’m so sorry for your loss.” As you begin to feel more comfortable in this unusual setting, you may well find that the words begin to come a little easier.
One thing many people are conscious of is asking too many questions or sharing unrelated stories. In a more casual social setting, asking questions is a great way to show that you are interested in what the other person has to say, but this may not strike the right tone at a funeral. Some people will simply want to be present and acknowledged, and then watch events unfold or sit with their thoughts. Judging what to talk about and for how long is often a matter of thinking about your relationship with the person you are talking to.
Once the funeral concludes, people will heal and recover emotionally at a wide variety of different speeds. Finding ways to continue offering support once the day has passed is something that may really help those around you. The interesting thing here is that it may not matter whether or not you know how to start a conversation about death. Being present may be enough. Here are some suggestions on how you could accomplish this:
Following up is about extending your presence in your loved one’s life beyond in-person events and occasions. By letting them know that you are there for them when they need you, you help them to see that they are never isolated or alone. Even if no one is in the room with them right now, they can always connect with you and move forward.
Another approach that many people take is to go out of their way to send an aftercare message on the evening of the funeral. Keeping the language simple and concise so that it reads like you are talking to them in person may really help:
Checking in without pressuring the person to talk is important here because it means you won’t unintentionally emotionally overwhelm them. It’s natural to want to try and ‘fix’ things or ‘solve’ problems, but it’s also important to respect boundaries and provide space.
Because of the personal way in which many of us approach coping with grief, there are certain boundaries and unwritten rules that it may help to be aware of. While we would never pretend to have the right to tell you how to proceed, you may find that reflecting on a few of these suggestions helps:
By making an effort to talk about other people, rather than yourself, you will be showing your fellow mourners that you care about their feelings. Taking a moment to step back and consider how your words could be interpreted may also help you to clarify your thinking.
Trying to keep your comments focused on the mourner’s experience is something that many people will appreciate. For example, while there is a time and place for grief and loss quotes or reading grief poems for healing, a personal conversation on the day may not be it. Avoiding this habit, albeit a well-intentioned habit, will also help you avoid making any religious or philosophical assumptions. If you are not sure of the beliefs of the person you are talking to, consider refraining from passing any form of judgement on them.
We sincerely hope that our guide has provided some sense of comfort and support. You can navigate the day as you wish, but we trust that knowing how many others do may help relieve some of the stress and negative emotion you may be experiencing. It may also help you to see things from other perspectives so that you can find a choice of words and tone of words that you feel is most appropriate.
While the day of the funeral is certainly not the day for practical considerations, you may find that you come to reflect on some of them in the months ahead. If mourning the death of a loved one has made you think about your own legacy, you may find our *pre-paid funeral plans helpful. We also have a guide you can read if you want to compare funeral plans and understand potential options for the future.
The reason we mention this now is because we want to show you that we are here for you, no matter what you may need in the future. Taking some time to sit with your thoughts and continue your healing journey is what is most important at this stage. If there is a way we can help you through this part of the grief process, please do let us know when you feel able to. Every member of our team is fully trained and passionately committed to providing the help and support that may make all the difference at a time like this.
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Unlike other providers, we won’t hassle you with constant calls. We’ll simply ensure you have the information you need and leave you to come to a decision in your own time. When you’re ready for us, our team will be ready to help.
Letting them know that you are there for them and telling them that what they are doing is heartfelt and moving may really help. You may find that building up their confidence is a better way to provide reassurance than to tell them everything will be fine. It is perfectly normal to cry at a funeral, and anyone who is worrying about doing so may appreciate hearing that this is a normal part of grieving.
Making sure to keep the focus on them and how they feel while being attentive to their answers is important here. If you are talking to someone who was much closer to the person who has died than you are, this becomes even more important because of the depth of their feelings. A warm, open, and approachable demeanour may be the approach to take here.
Telling the other person that you are there for them before, during, and after the service may provide a great deal of comfort. Avoid making false promises or telling them how quickly they will heal, as this may unintentionally minmise their grief. Using your knowledge of their personality and relationship with the person who has died may help you adapt your approach as you work your way through the room.
A text message is one of the most supportive yet unintrusive gestures because the recipient won’t feel compelled to reply right then and there. This is not the case if you ring or arrive at their door unannounced. Checking in regularly while making it known that you don’t expect anything in return could be the way to go here. It’s all about being present in a way that makes the other person feel heard, listened to, and validated on a deeper level.
A lot of people may say it, but you could argue that this is because of the comfort that familiarity provides at times like this. It’s a short, compassionate, and well-known phrase that you will hear many others using on the day. If you prefer this approach to everything else you have read so far, there is certainly nothing wrong with it.
Unintentionally minimising grief by being overly optimistic or making comparisons to lesser events in your own life is something you may wish to avoid. While we would never try and dictate what you do and do not say, we feel it is right to give you a chance to get some perspective. If you feel like someone who was saying it to you had missed the point, it may be worth adjusting your approach.
Offering to attend a funeral with a friend or loved one you can see is struggling is a kind gesture that will go down well in the vast majority of cases. Even if you have never met the person who has died, showing your friend or relative that you are there for them by being present could really help. By being there with compassion, you give them the support they need at a time when they may feel like they simply do not know what to do.
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