×
Two Together: Save £100!Save £100 when you purchase two funeral plans together. Call us for more details.
Written by Emily Cross.
16 minute read
When someone you love dies, it’s understandable if you start to think about how to go about supporting others with heartfelt condolence messages. One of the most common ways to do this is by sending a short condolence message or sympathy card in the days immediately after the death. Doing so expresses your shared sense of loss and mourning while at the same time letting the family and next of kin know that they are in your thoughts.
Although our primary focus lies in offering direct cremation services for personalisation and flexibility, we fully understand that grief and mourning are deeply personal journeys. What someone might write without a second thought, another person could spend hours worrying about. Choosing the right words for a condolence card often falls into that camp, which is why we want to help you find something that feels right, and feels like you.
Finding the right choice of words not only allows you to convey a meaningful message, it also allows you to start processing your own feelings and emotions.
Key takeaways:
Sending a brief message in the days immediately after the death of a loved one shows the family and next of kin that you are thinking of them, and that you share in their sense of loss and grief. Cards, text messages, sympathy messages for funeral flowers and handwritten notes are all ways in which condolence messages are delivered, with many opting to send a text straightaway, followed by a card as soon as the post allows.
Keeping your message simple and showing that you understand the gravity of the situation with appropriate, emotionally sensitive language is important. There will always be time for an extended message, phone call, or in-person chat at a later date as and when the family feels emotionally ready.
Sometimes it can help to look at other styles and formats of writing that relate to the wider topic of death and grief. If you wish to consider this path, our guide to different eulogy examples may help you find a tone and style that allows you to express how you feel in a way that is appropriate, given the occasion.
We believe that our role as a family-run funeral provider extends to cover every aspect of grief, mourning, and providing emotional support to those nearest to you. Considering a step-by-step approach to writing a concise condolence message may help you to send something you feel happy with.
A message of condolence will typically be short — anywhere from 1 to 3 lines — and will take less than a minute to read. The idea is to show that you are present in the lives of those left behind, not to solve their grief and give them a way to move on. You may find it helpful to consider the following sections one after the other:
Many people find the prospect of writing a personal message of condolence overwhelming. If you find yourself feeling like this, you may find it helps to approach the message as a series of three smaller messages with each one comprising one of the above components.
A message of condolence is not a formal document and as such can be delivered to the family in a variety of different forms. Sympathy cards, funeral messages, text condolences, and follow-up notes all provide opportunities to acknowledge the death and provide sympathetic words and offers of help and assistance.
Some people prefer to wait and send a handwritten card, seeing a digital message as too impersonal. Others might feel it’s important to reach out straight away. A short text when you first hear the news, followed later by a card with a slightly longer message, even just a few lines, can be a thoughtful way to stay connected while offering something more personal.
We all grieve and process differently, with some of us choosing to talk about death and dying at a later date, while others find they naturally want to talk about it right away. Neither is right or wrong, but a degree of understanding and awareness may be required to help your message deliver the intended tone. With this in mind, you may find it helpful to group your condolence messages by the recipient and create several different versions.
Dealing with the unexpected death of a loved one who has been a big part of your life will understandably impact you in a different way than the death of a colleague or mutual friend. If you know the person’s family and feel comfortable expressing how you feel to them, you may wish to include a short reference to a shared history or memory the two of you experienced:
The language here is warm and friendly and speaks directly about a shared experience. The wording is also semi-formal so that it doesn’t come across as either too casual or too cold and distant given how well you know the family.
Acknowledging the death of coworkers, acquaintances, and neighbors is something many of us may feel compelled to do, but it can sometimes feel more difficult than if someone you knew better had died. You never have met their family or next of kin, so being a little more formal than if you were writing to your own family may be best:
A little more emotional distance is appropriate here as you may not have your own relationship with the person reading the message. Showing that you appreciate certain sides and traits of the person who has died can add some warmth without coming across as overly emotional.
Part of learning how to cope with grief is that no two deaths are ever the same. Age, location, relationship, and the nature of the death are just some of the many factors that will influence how you feel about recent events.
Your relationship with the person who has died will affect the style and tone of your message. If they were a grandparent or elderly parent, you might write in a different way than if they were a younger cousin or sibling. This is not to say that one source of grief is more valid than another, only that different people have different roles and places in our lives.
Referencing your relationship with the person who has died may help provide some context to the way you feel and show the reader the importance of that role in your life. Approaching writing in this way may also help you begin to come to terms with your own emotions and show you that you are still left with many beautiful memories.
There may also be times when you feel uncomfortable referencing the death directly, and others when you feel it is suitable and appropriate. The death of an elderly aunt or uncle, for example, may allow you to express how they felt more like a third parent or a grandparent to you when you were growing up.
Sometimes, heartbreakingly, a much younger person dies. If a cousin or close friend is facing the loss of a child, it might feel too painful to mention names or ages. In these moments, simply recognising their pain and gently letting them know you’re there, whenever they need, can be the kindest thing to say.
Anyone who is dealing with the death of a loved one will appreciate you reaching out and acknowledging what they are experiencing, but not all means of communication are created equal.
A printed card or handwritten letter is very personal, and is often seen as the most thoughtful, but it may take several days to arrive. Conversely, a text message may be seen as less personal, but arrives instantly.
Traditionalists will send a handwritten card at the earliest opportunity, but many people now also expect a text message within 24 hours of the death being announced. Using your knowledge of the family and next of kin to judge which approach to take is something you may find helpful.
A message of condolence is something that may achieve great sentimental value and be read and re-read many times over the years. Simple formatting choices such as line breaks and double spacing may help ensure that your message is easy to read and presented in a way that feels both thoughtful and respectful.
Keeping names, addresses, and any form of formal sign-off separate from the condolence note may help it retain greater visual clarity. This is not so much about a graphic design project as it is about turning a handwritten note into something that visually conveys a thoughtful and respectful message before it has even been read. The first impression that it will convey will show that you have put thought into what you have to say and are sensitive to the emotional needs of the family.
A digital message will typically be sent within 24 hours of learning of the death and is designed to show the family that they are in your thoughts and you are willing to be there for them. Sending a handwritten card in the days that follow may help to provide a more personalised message that can be displayed within the family home if desired.
Some also choose to send a secondary message, typically much longer, and deliver it in person at the wake or memorial service, or to post it once returning home from the funeral. Doing so may help you achieve some sense of closure while at the same time showing the family that you are still very much there for them at a time when they may feel like everyone else they know is returning to their normal lives.
Just as knowing how to break bad news requires a gentle touch and plenty of emotional awareness, so too does acknowledging a death you have been made aware of. With this in mind, you may find it helpful to consider some of the common potential mishaps some unintentionally make:
While we each have the right to express ourselves in our own way, you may find it insightful to consider if your draft message falls into any of the above categories. In many cases, a small adjustment is all it takes to create a message that will be so much more warmly received and appreciated by the family at this time.
Different messages will require different formats and structures if they are to achieve the desired combination of sympathy and comfort.
Tailoring your message so that it takes into account both limited space and pre-written card content may help you strike the right balance. A brief handwritten addition to a pre-printed card is not so much about improving the text that is already there as it is about adding a personal touch that shows the thought and feeling behind the gesture.
You may wish to consider avoiding more casual styles of writing in this case as some may find that the inclusion of emotions or writing purely in lower case feels a little too informal. If you typically message your friends with a lighthearted sign-off, you may decide that it isn’t right on this occasion given the importance of setting the right tone.
If the family has not publicly announced the death and is still letting friends and relatives know one at a time, you may consider avoiding any publicly visible condolence messages. Being mindful of the fact that others very close to the person who has died may not know yet could help you maintain perspective in a way that the family will see as respectful and no doubt greatly appreciate.
Our goal is always to offer help and support that extends far beyond making arrangements and selecting services. With this in mind, we have prepared other guides that allow you to do things such as compare funeral plans if you are one of the people taking responsibility for arranging the service. We can also provide guidance with personal approaches that may give you that little bit of extra room for personalisation you have been looking for.
There are also some reading this who may begin to reflect on their own legacy and what they will leave behind. Once you feel ready, our prepaid funeral plans may help you get things in order while still alive, but there is never any pressure to reach out. The main thing to take away from this guide is that we are always here to help you navigate the difficult journey that you are on.
If you have any questions, would like a brochure or simply would like a chat through our services, our award-winning team is here to help.
Unlike other providers, we won’t hassle you with constant calls. We’ll simply ensure you have the information you need and leave you to come to a decision in your own time. When you’re ready for us, our team will be ready to help.
A sympathy card will express how you have acknowledged their loss and then may also offer support. You don’t have to be explicit about the type of help you can offer — making the reader aware that you are there for them when they need you is enough.
Yes, a short condolence is not only appropriate it can also show the family and next of kin that you are there for them. Letting them know that they can come to you when they need you may help them to reach out when they feel ready. You may also feel that keeping your message short and warm is the best way to avoid overwhelming the family at this time.
Acknowledging loss is one of the best ways to offer comfort and support in just a few words. Letting the person know that they are not mourning alone, but avoiding directly comparing your grief with theirs, will strike the right tone when you want to make yourself present and approachable.
Phrases such as “You are in our thoughts,” and “We are always here when you are ready” can help the person reading the message feel supported and cared for. In the initial days and weeks after a death, they may want to be alone or only see a close circle of relatives and friends. Your message will show them that you are always available when they feel ready to reach out.
Text messages have immediate delivery and are typically sent within the first 1 to 2 days of learning of a death. If you send a text but also want to reach out in a more personal, warm way, the act of sending a card with an extended message and appropriate artwork is often seen as a thoughtful thing to do.
A simple declaration that you are there whenever they need you and that they are in your thoughts is often appropriate in many cases. Keeping your choice of wording open and accepting will make the reader feel more comfortable when they come to reach out and reconnect with you after the initial shock begins to pass. By letting them know that they can ask you for help, you are showing them that they are never alone.
Condolence messages are typically short, delivered within 1 to 2 days of the death, and written in a way that is warm, personable, and approachable. If you are unsure about the specific choice of wording, you may wish to consider being slightly more formal than your regular pattern or speech, just in case being seen as too casual doesn’t create the right tone at a difficult time.
Starting by acknowledging the loss and then letting the family know that you are there for them should they need you may be an approach you feel is right. Taking your time to write it in a warm and approachable style may help the reader open up when they feel ready to.
staging site last replicated: MISSINGNO.