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Written by Emily Cross.
18 minute read
Knowing how to reach out and show someone you love that you care for them and understand what they are going through is something that many of us struggle with. We know the person well, we have many things in common with them, and yet it can be hard to find the words to convey how we are feeling.
There are many reasons for this, such as shock, deep emotional upset, and not wanting to feel like we are intruding on their grieving process. All of this is perfectly understandable, and yet, we know that if we don’t reach out, we may regret it later on if we learn that failing to get in touch left the person we love feeling isolated or abandoned when they needed us most.
As providers of direct cremation services, we have had the honour of talking to people who have approached writing condolence messages for sympathy cards. Our intention with this guide is to share some of our experiences with you, so that you have something to think over and consider if you are not sure how to reach out and extend your sympathies and best wishes to your loved one.
Key takeaways:
Choosing the right words and how you sign off a sympathy card can feel like more pressure than it should. You want to say something that’s honest, heartfelt and comforting. But capturing all that in just a few lines isn’t easy.
Focusing on sincerity, compassion, sensitivity, and emotional support may help you find a choice of words that you feel comfortable with. It’s also important to remember that the sympathy card is more about showing that you care and are present in the lives of the rest of the family, rather than something that will suddenly make everything better. Being kind to yourself as you write the card may help you to remember this and allow you to reach out in a way that doesn’t cause you undue anxiety.
If you are remembering a loved one by sending a card to their immediate family or partner, you may find that sitting and reflecting on what to write helps you start your grieving process. Taking your time to consider the meaning of each word is something that may help you have a degree of time and space, at a time when so much of what you had taken for granted now seems uncertain.
Starting with simple, heartfelt phrases that express sympathy and show support is something that may help you to begin your search for wording you feel comfortable with. Here are some popular options that you may wish to consider:
Keeping it simple like this may help you express the kind, respectful wishes that you are trying to pass on. You may also want to consider avoiding clichés where possible because, despite the fact that they are well-known phrases; they may make the recipient feel like you haven’t put the same level of thought into your card as others may have.
Anyone figuring out how to cope with the death of a parent will tell you that a personalised message that reads as if it comes from the heart can help them. The problem is that such heartfelt, deep wording may not be appropriate in cases where you are not as close to the person who has died. Here are some examples that you may wish to consider:
Tailoring your choice of words to reflect how close you were to the person who has died, as well as to the recipient of the card, may help you to arrive at a style of messaging you are comfortable with. You could also consider adding personal memories if you feel it is appropriate.
Knowing how to break bad news is a skill that has a lot of overlap with knowing what to include in a sympathy card. In both cases, knowing whether or not to include religious sentiment or attempting to provide spiritual comfort may help you connect with the recipient on a deeper level. Here are some examples that you may wish to consider:
Everyone is entitled to their own spiritual and religious outlook on life, and that means there are certain sensitivities that you may need to be aware of. Taking a moment to think about what you know about the recipient and their faith or belief system may help you arrive at a choice of wording that you feel is most appropriate.
Many people who are coping with grief find a great source of comfort in the messages they receive and the cards that arrive at their door during such a tender time. To help you make a difference in a way that you feel comfortable with, we’ve offered a few suggestions based on the nature of the relationships involved.
When someone you care about has lost their mother or father, they may feel like a key part of their support network is no longer there. While a card will never replace what they no longer have, it may help to show that you care and that you are there for them whenever they need you. Here are some common phrases that you may wish to consider:
Focusing on empathy, recognising their grief and offering support can help you find the right tone for what you want to say. Taking a few quiet minutes to sit with your words before sending the card can also help you feel more certain that you’ve expressed yourself in the way you intended.
The death of a husband, wife, or partner is one that may be profoundly felt because of the sudden change in daily life. When you have lived with someone for years, waking up and realising they are no longer with you is something that many people find extremely difficult. Here are some options that you may find helpful to consider:
Aiming to convey support while at the same time making sure to honour their relationship is a balance that is often greatly appreciated by the person you are writing to. You are showing that you don’t just acknowledge what happened to them, but that you also have some appreciation of how it must feel. Doing this in a way that doesn’t directly compare their grief with another event or tragic death will ensure that you don’t unintentionally minimise what they are going through right now.
Finding words that feel right when you’re writing to someone who is just starting to process the recent death of a close friend can be hard. Gentle approaches like the following options may help you home in on the choice of wording that you wish to use:
By taking a moment to acknowledge the friendship and sharing a memory or mutual connection in this way, you can show that you have some understanding of what they must be going through at this difficult time.
The type of message and the situation it is being sent in relation to will influence the choice of wording. For example, sympathy messages for funeral flowers are often delivered in a different way from those in the initial sympathy card. Taking a moment to consider the specific nature of the situation may help you to clarify your thinking at this time.
The shock and suddenness of a death that may feel like it has come out of nowhere is, perhaps, one of the hardest situations to deal with. Offering heartfelt messaging along the lines of the following examples may help you to express your feelings at this time:
Sensitive and comforting language could help to validate the unexpected nature of grief and acknowledge the suddenness of the change in circumstances. At times like this, many people will be in a profound state of shock and will simply not be able to look ahead to the future. Being aware of this and then writing in a way that makes it clear that you are there for them should they need you may give them something to hold onto.
When the person who has died has been ill for some time, the feelings of their close family and next of kin may understandably be mixed. On some level, they may feel like there is some relief from the suffering, but on another level, they just want their loved one back by their side. Compassionate words may help you to strike the right balance here:
You may wish to consider avoiding any direct reference to relief from suffering, just in case this is something the recipient is not feeling at the moment. Even though you are, no doubt, sharing this sentiment with the best of intentions, it may cause unintentional upset at a time when emotions understandably run high.
Many people find it hard to sign a sympathy card in a personal and comforting way. Searching for wording that doesn’t feel overly formal or too abrupt may help you to settle on something you feel comfortable with.
While things such as funeral committal words that come later may be longer and more personalised, closings are typically short, succinct, and a little more measured. Here are some examples of respectful closings you may wish to consider:
A warm, sincere closing can help to tie everything together in a way that you feel comfortable with. If you are very close to the recipient and the person who has died, signing with ‘love’ will often be most appropriate. For situations where you are either a little further removed or just unsure about how to proceed, signing ‘sincerely’ is generally the safe approach to take.
Signing for a family, work team, or a group of mutual friends is something you may wish to consider if you want to send a group card from all of you. Sharing a sense of shared support may provide a sense of great comfort to the recipient at this difficult time and show them that people from many areas of their loved one’s life are thinking about them and what they are going through. Here are a few suggestions you may wish to consider together:
An inclusive, shared approach to conveying how you feel and offering support may feel more appropriate than sending a dozen or so individual cards. It’s about thinking which option you all feel more comfortable with and what is likely to convey the right sentiment to the family and next of kin.
While there is no shortage of heartfelt condolence messages to consider, you may feel that sending a card simply isn’t right at the moment. This could be because you know the family would prefer something else, or it may be that you are struggling to find words you feel comfortable with. Regardless of why you feel this way, you are entitled to feel how you do.
Sending flowers is a traditional alternative and gives you the option to include messages if you so wish. Others prefer to contribute directly by making memorial donations or charitable donations if the family has expressed this as their wish. Another approach is to send comfort gifts such as food, a book, or something that you know may be able to make the recipient smile, no matter how briefly, given everything that is happening in their life right now.
Although you no doubt have the best of intentions, there are phrases that may unintentionally feel dismissive, even hurtful, when the recipient comes to read them. For this reason, you may wish to avoid the following phrases and other phrases that convey similar sentiments:
You may wish to consider avoiding overused clichés and advice-based messages. By focusing on empathy, acknowledgment, and gentle comfort, you can validate the way your loved one is feeling while showing them that they can turn to you whenever they need you.
As a family-run funeral provider, we continually reflect on changes in etiquette and the advent of new habits and practices in our industry. Over the years, we have noted the following key points in relation to timing and common practices:
Thinking about these practices may help you to extend an offer of help and support in a meaningful way.
We hope that our guide has provided you with some sense of support, perhaps even guidance, at a time when it’s understandable if you’re not sure of what to do and how to proceed. Sometimes, all it takes to reach out and convey a message is to know that doing so won’t unwittingly cause offence or greater upset when the recipient is already struggling. We hope that we have shown you some ways you may consider doing this that you feel comfortable with.
At times like these, it’s natural to also start reflecting on your own life and the legacy you will leave behind for your loved ones. This is why we want you to know that, when you feel emotionally ready, we are always available to guide you through our *prepaid funeral plans and other services. You may find that taking steps to put your affairs in order while you are alive helps provide you with real peace of mind. We also have a useful guide where we *compare funeral plans that may help you to understand your options.
As always, there is never an ounce of pressure from our side — we know that times like these are already difficult enough. Instead, we take a step back, give you the time and space to process the events that have just occurred, and promise to be here whenever you are ready to talk. We feel it’s the least we can do.
*Terms and conditions apply. You will receive a funeral plan summary before purchase.
The following simple phrases and thoughtful choices of words may help you to sign a sympathy card in a way that you feel is most appropriate:
Taking some time to reflect on which of these options you feel most comfortable with may help you arrive at a decision that you feel is right, given what you know about the recipient and the nature of your relationship with them.
The choice of what to write in a sympathy card is a deeply personal one that will be shaped by the timing, the nature of the death, and your relationship to the recipient. That said, you may find that considering some of these thoughtful and popular choices helps:
Granting yourself a period of reflection before writing and posting the card may help you to make any personal changes that you wish to make to the wording. Doing so may also be one of the first steps of your own healing journey, as it will allow you to begin the practice of processing how you feel on a deeper level.
Including the name of the person who has died, their relation to you, their relation to the recipient of the condolence card, and sharing a memory may all help add a personal touch. Taking some time to reflect on what you wish to include may help you to start processing how you feel about the death you are all coming to terms with. Doing this on your own terms may also help you begin your emotional healing journey.
Signing with ‘love’ is typically done when you are writing to close family and friends, while signing with ‘sincerely’ is more often the choice when writing to distant relatives, mutual friends, and people you have a professional relationship with. Thinking about which category may best apply to the current situation could help you to make a decision that you feel comfortable with.
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