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Written by Emily Cross.
21 minute read
When someone you love dies, you may experience a wide array of conflicting emotions. Loss, frustration, anger, sorrow; there are so many different ways that you may find yourself feeling from one hour to the next, and they are all equally valid. All of this can complicate the grieving process because you may feel like you have to be a certain way or experience a particular emotion, only to find yourself constantly in a state of flux.
Navigating grief in a way that feels right for you can be a deeply personal and sometimes difficult experience. Some find that they wish to throw themselves into the preparation and organisation side of things by talking to our team about direct cremation services, while others prefer to be more in the background and focused on managing their emotions. Both approaches — and everything else in between — are right if they feel right to you.
This guide explores different ways to write and share a condolence message that feels genuine to you. Putting your thoughts on paper might not come easily, but it can help you express what truly matters.We hope that you will find a sense of support and reassurance as you make your way through the following passages.
Key takeaways:
One of the questions we find ourselves reflecting on in our role as a family-run funeral provider is, “What is the purpose of a condolence message?” To some, it can feel like an obligation or a tradition that they simply must follow, while to others it is more about extending a personal offer of help and assistance, but there is another element to it as well.
In our experience, writing a message of condolence is also a key step in coming to terms with death and is something that many may find helpful in the longer term. The act of expressing sympathy, offering support, and acknowledging someone’s loss may help you to process your own emotions and feelings at this time and show you that you can be a source of strength for someone else.
Finding a way to reach out to the next of kin and close family that combines a respectful tone with an appropriate degree of emotion, given what you know about them as people, is a thought-provoking act. You may wish to take your time and reflect on several occasions in the days immediately after the death.
Condolence messages help people feel supported during a difficult time and show them that others are thinking of them.They offer a way to formally honour the person who has died and show shared grief or sympathy, often well before the funeral or memorial. A handwritten message, though simple, can carry deep emotional weight, letting the recipient know they’re in your thoughts and that you recognise the pain of their loss.
Sharing a message of condolence may also help you to start coming to terms with the death of a dear friend, loved one, or relative. By acknowledging the fact that they have died and showing someone close to them that they are in your thoughts, you may find that you start to move closer to a state of acceptance. It may also show you that by reaching out and offering care and support for someone else, you can feel more positively about your own emotions.
As a general guide, it may be best to send a condolence message as soon as you feel ready and able to do so. While it is natural to feel like you cannot face such a task in the immediate aftermath of the death of someone you love, delaying the decision may make it more difficult in the days ahead. You may also start to become conscious of the fact that the next of kin and close family may be wondering why they haven’t heard from you.
There are no set timeframes that you are obliged to follow, but you may find it helpful to be aware of a few of the following social conventions for different types of media:
Regardless of how you choose to reach out and get in touch, focusing on a message enriched with sincerity and respect, rather than a word-perfect presentation, may help you strike the right balance.
Starting to talk about death and dying may not be something that comes easily to you, but it is something that may help you grieve and come to terms with the death of someone you love. If you would find it helpful to have some guidance at this stage, you may find that considering the following points is something you wish to do:
It can be tempting to fall back on online templates and examples (you will find some in this guide) but you do not have to take this approach if you don’t wish to. No one will be judging the quality of your writing or your way with words at this time. The reader only wants to know that you care for them and that you are there should they need you. Reminding yourself of this may remove some of the pressure you have been putting on your own shoulders to write what you see as the perfect message.
Kind, sincere, and emotionally sensitive language of the kind that you would wish to receive yourself may prove to be a suitable starting point. Tired clichés, slang, or overly formal expressions may not feel right given what you know about the person you are writing to.
You may find it helpful to approach writing your message in the same way that you would if the same person were sitting right there with you. How would you tell them in just a few lines that you care for them, are available to help them, and that you care for the person who has died? Sitting and thinking about this question may help you create an opening line that you feel is natural and that then allows the rest of the words to flow onto the page.
A simple acknowledgment of the death of their loved one and an expression of sympathy may help you to start things off in a way that you feel comfortable with. Once this line is down on paper, you could then share a personal memory, a compliment about a personal quality of the person who has died, or a comment about how they approached life. Using your best judgement given your relationship with them and their next of kin could help you to select the most appropriate option here.
Finishing a condolence message when someone has died is often the most challenging part. You want to let the person receiving it know that you are there for them, and yet you don’t want to send them a lengthy letter that may possibly overwhelm them at this time. Many people feel the same way and find that they feel most comfortable offering some form of help or assistance. It would be an offer to talk on the phone whenever they need, to do something practical like walk the dog or help with the kids, or even just to let them know that your door is always open to them.
Learning how to cope with grief is not a once-size-fits-all journey because we grieve for different people in different ways. The loss of a child may feel completely different from the death of a parent, and both may feel entirely different from the death of an elderly relative or friend.
In the following sections, we are going to share some initial ideas on how you may wish to proceed in a variety of different cases. We hope that you find these examples helpful and supportive at a time when finding a starting point may feel overwhelming, daunting, or confusing.
When writing to the people you know best, you may feel that you can open up more and share how you are feeling. Doing so in a way that shows that you are thinking about how the death of the person you love has impacted those closest to them may often strike the best type of balance:
“Dear Emma, I cannot put into words my love for Tom and the way in which his smile was always able to light up the room. You were his rock and he yours, and I know that yours has been a marriage that so many of the rest of the family smile on. Everyone here is with you and ready to help in any way we can and you never have to ask. Thinking about you always.”
This type of positive, warm, and thoughtful choice of words feels like you are sitting beside them holding their hand and trying to make them feel supported.
When you are dealing with the death of a loved one, you may find that words actually come a little easier than they do when it is someone you are not quite as close to. When a colleague or a friend dies, you may wish to share your condolences but may also be conscious of potentially overstepping unintentionally. Focusing on expressing sympathy and acknowledging the impact of the death in a way that is warm and kind may be more appropriate:
“I was saddened to hear about the loss of Michael and am thinking of you all at this time. I always found him to be a kind, caring man who was always ready to help everyone he worked with. His loss will be keenly felt by the whole team here and we are always available to help in any way we can.”
The language here is slightly more reserved and less emotional than the previous example, but the tone is still very much focused on being kind and warm.
Some deaths may require extra sensitivity and some consideration of the specific nature of the relationships involved may help you to strike the right balance. For example, the loss of a young child may bring with it a far more complex set of emotions than the death of an elderly parent or grandparent. This is not to say that one is worse than the other, only that extra sensitivity and awareness is something that may be greatly appreciated at this time.
You may find it helpful to show a friend or partner your message before sending it if you feel that the specific situation is complex. Doing so may help you to find the right balance so that you can send your condolences in a way that you feel is appropriate.
Just as knowing how to break bad news in a way that is emotionally sensitive requires a series of unwritten rules and social conventions to be followed, so too does sending a condolence message.
Condolence messages are commonly expressed within British cultural norms and written in a way that reflects how you would speak to the person if they were in the same room as you. As such, many people choose to avoid complex or overly formal language because they prefer to use a warmer tone that is more personable and relatable. That said, if you know that the person you are writing to is formal and traditional with respect to these matters, they will appreciate any efforts you feel comfortable making in this direction.
Although we are all different, many people follow the British sense of understatement, sincerity, and subtlety in expressions of sympathy. The point here is not that you have to follow a stereotype or a set convention, but that thinking about your message in these terms at some point during the writing process may help.
If you are writing to a dear friend or close relative then you will know them well enough to judge the tone and style without having to make such considerations, but this is not always the case. If you are writing to the partner of a friend that you have only met on a handful of occasions, or to the family of a colleague you have never met, you may find that a warm and sincere approach that is slightly emotionally understated is the most appropriate choice.
Even though you are no doubt writing with the very best of intentions, there are certain phrases that may unintentionally come across as dismissive or unhelpful. Here are a few common examples that you may find it helpful to be mindful of:
Being present and offering support will generally be seen as more helpful than offering immediate solutions or explanations. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace, so you may wish to avoid any references to how long the grieving process may take or anything that indicates you may be looking further ahead. You are here, you are present, and you are available to help as and when they need you.
Continued care and support after the condolence message has been sent is something that many people who are grieving will greatly appreciate. Something as simple as dropping off a home-cooked meal or offering to do the school run on a particular day may help you show that you are still present and willing to help.
One of the issues here is that you may feel that if your offers of help are not accepted right away, you are not being helpful. In these instances, you may find it helps to practice patience and to give the grieving family and partner time and space. They will know that you are there for them and ready to help, it’s just that right now, they are coping in a different way.
Bringing over some food or offering childcare may be something that the family greatly appreciates at this time. As the immediate aftermath fades and several weeks pass, you may feel more comfortable with checking in with them by visiting or calling unannounced. Especially in the weeks after the funeral, many people who are still grieving may feel like everyone else has moved on. Being persistent and patient with the way that you maintain a keen and attentive presence in their lives will show them that this is not the case.
Finding the words that feel right to you and allow you to express how you feel may be something that comes naturally or it may be something you have to return to several times. Taking your time, giving yourself emotional space, and being kind to yourself will allow you to find wording that you thik suitably expresses how you feel and what you wish to convey.
We hope that you have found some ideas and words of comfort in our guide and that reading it may help you to create a message you feel an authentic emotional connection with. We also want to let you know that you are never alone, regardless of where you are on your journey through life right now.
If writing a condolence message has made you think and reflect on your own legacy, you may find that, when the time is right, our prepaid funeral plans could provide peace of mind. We also have a guide if you wish to compare funeral plans should that be of assistance at any point in the future. Terms and conditions apply, you will receive a funeral plan summary before purchas
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People typically express some combination of empathy and sympathy, as well as possibly sharing a memory or offering help in a practical sense. There may be pressure on you to feel like you’re writing something eloquent and memorable, but the most important thing is to write from the heart in a way that feels authentic to you and the recipient. A period of careful reflection and thought may help you to find the right balance so that you can share your message with confidence.
Common phrases such as “I am sorry for your loss” allow you to convey sympathy in a way that is both measured and respectful. You may feel that you want to write something 100% unique and original, but no one will mind these types of time-honoured phrases. In fact, they have a sense of permanence and familiarity that ensure your words feel comfortable and thoughtful when received.
Yes, this is certainly something that can be done, but you may wish to consider how traditional the person receiving the message may be. For example, if you know that your friend or relative would send a written note or letter themselves, you may wish to follow suit and connect in kind. Doing so, while by no means obligatory, would be seen as a mark of respect by the close family and next of kin.
You may find that using or adapting one of the following phrases allows you to send your best wishes and convey a sense of condolence in a way that you feel is appropriate:
Using one of these messages as a starting point and then adapting it in a way that you feel comfortable with may help you share your condolences with the family.
While you have the right to express your wishes to the family in any way that you see fit, there are certain things you may wish to be mindful of. One of the most common mistakes that some people unwittingly make is to unintentionally diminish or dismiss the sense of loss that the next of kin is feeling right now, another is to compare their grief with your own. Although you will no doubt have the very best of intentions, you may wish to reflect on whether your message accidentally crosses into one of these areas.
The other common mistake some make without realising is to jump straight to offering solutions. While it is fantastic if you are able to offer practical support and help at this time, there is a difference between doing so and making promises or providing indications that you can remove their grief.
Yes, sharing memories is a great way of showing the person receiving the message that you have put real thought into what you wish to say. A memory of a loved one who has died may also help the close family and next of kin to establish a new connection with them at a time when they will be acutely aware that new memories may never come into their lives again.
Finding a memory that makes you smile and highlights the nature of your relationship with the person who has died could add additional context to your message and ensure it will be warmly received.
You may wish to consider the difference between offering practical and emotional support — someone to walk the dog, someone to talk to in the evenings — and making promises that you can solve their grief. Support is about being there, listening, and helping with those everyday tasks that are all too easily forgotten during a time of intense grief and prolonged mourning.
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