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Written by Emily Cross.
18 minute read
The one-year point after losing someone close can stir up emotions that feel as raw as the day they died. It’s a moment that often brings everything back—grief, love, and the weight of their absence. Life continues and you have had to adapt and heal, but facing the first death anniversary may feel like a daunting prospect.
One of the most important things is learning how to deal with grief so it doesn’t interfere with healing or living in a way your loved one would want you to. Choosing to mark the anniversary in a way that honours their memory while offering comfort to others can help you feel more emotionally supported as you move through the five stages of grief.
Some may have used our direct cremation services at the time and used the flexibility they provide to create a personal service that contains elements that can be replicated on the anniversary. Others may prefer a new gathering at a different location, but one that holds great meaning to the person who died and those left behind.
The choice is a deeply personal one with no definitive right or wrong answer. Our hope by producing this guide is that we can provide you with some ideas and insights that may allow you to mark the first death anniversary in a way you feel comfortable with.
Key takeaways:
The act of remembering a loved one is something that many of us do throughout our lives, but it’s the first anniversary of the death that may guide us to confront previously unprocessed thoughts and emotions. When our thinking naturally returns to the events of 12 months ago, it may be difficult to maintain perspective, with some even experiencing survivor’s guilt.
An old cliche may talk of time as the great healer. These may be words that bring little comfort right now, but it may be healthy to recognise the fact that life carries on in other forms. The person who has died may live on in the form of the memories they made with others or in the fact that their surviving children will grow up having been influenced by them from a young age.
As time passes, the immediate sense of loss may fade, but this is often a very gradual process. Marking each death anniversary could serve as an organised act of remembrance that helps to remove some of the guilt those left behind may experience for finding enjoyment in certain areas of their lives.
The first year is full of firsts: the first birthday after the death of a loved one, the first anniversary of their death, and possibly even the first family holiday without them. Noticing all of these firsts both makes sense and shows what a central part of your life the person who died was. That said, it is also healthy and natural if you do not remain swallowed up in sorrow throughout the first year.
There may be times when your emotions take over and you find it difficult to cope. There may be other times when you feel joy, happiness and peace. The grief journey you are on is unique to you and not something anyone else has the right to judge. Some may find the first anniversary of the death deeply traumatic as it brings back uncomfortable memories, whereas others may see it as a time to celebrate a life well lived by their loved one and a chance to measure how they have processed emotions and healed internally. Both approaches are equally valid.
Many reading this may be people of faith or people from cultures that put great emphasis on marking the first death anniversary. The sense of continuity and tradition such practices provide may prove to be a source of strength and support. Some widely followed practices from various faiths include:
Your family may not follow any particular faith or outlook on the world but still wish to establish a personal tradition. Giving some thought to what and where was important to your loved one may help you arrive at an idea you feel comfortable sharing with the rest of the family.
One of the most common issues many of us will face as we get older is figuring out how to cope with the death of a parent or grandparent. Spending some time reflecting on how you want to mark their death in the days leading up to the anniversary may allow you to make a choice you feel comfortable with.
You could have a private act of remembrance as well as something communal with the wider family if you so wish. The key point here is that the experience is a personal one and that you can mark it however you feel will help you handle the day and process your emotions.
You may experience feeling energy when someone dies, in which case you may decide that connecting with this feeling during a personal act of remembrance is appropriate. Here are some ways you may wish to consider in a little more detail:
Provided your personal act of remembrance doesn’t unintentionally cause upset or distress to other members of the family, you can hold it in any way you see fit.
There are so many different symbols of grief to consider and ways to mark the death of someone that you may find it helpful to discuss plans with the wider family beforehand. Gathering together in a meaningful setting or a quiet location that has enough space to accommodate all of you may provide a chance to open up and share memories on an otherwise difficult day. Here are some ideas that you may wish to discuss with other members of the family if you find them suitable and appropriate:
It is hard to overstate the potential value of meaningful connections and collective mourning on a day like this. Even if you are someone who prefers to watch and listen rather than open up and share your feelings, simply knowing that others feel the same as you do can be empowering. It’s all about finding the right balance between what you feel comfortable with and how much you feel you can help other close friends and members of the family.
Being mindful of the fact that everyone will be at different parts experiencing different intensities of the grieving process is important. Doing so may help you find a choice of words that is sensitive to the different ways members of the family may be feeling. While you have the right to express yourself however you see fit, you find it helpful to consider a few ideas:
Writing in this way is something that comes naturally to some but that may feel uncomfortable for others. Taking time to sit and reflect may allow you to find a choice of words that you feel authentically convey your feelings and what the first death anniversary means to you.
Supportive words such as “thinking of you today” and “remembering with love,” allow you to convey how you feel while establishing a sense of deeper connection with the reader. It’s about acknowledging their grief while also offering a sense of presence and a feeling of empathy at a difficult time.
For many, it is only when we come to process the death of someone we love that we come to see that time is a precious gift you can never get back. Seeing this as both a reason and an opportunity to cherish the memories you were able to make with your loved one before their death may prove to be a healthy way of looking at things. Here are a few ideas you may wish to consider:
Writing personally to the person who has died as if they were there in the room with you may also help you to find new ways to think through how you feel. The ebb and flow of this type of exercise allows you to take your time and find new ways to come to terms with what happened. Being kind to yourself during this process will allow you to navigate it in a way that feels right.
Organising a small service or remembrance event is a chance to think about how you want to remember your loved one in a way that you see fit. The thoughtful inclusion of elements such as candles, personal readings, and music that has sentimental value can add to the atmosphere and sense of occasion.
Many find that looking to create a tone that is both open and respectful is a healthy balance to strike. A setting that is welcoming and accommodates everyone in attendance comfortably may serve as the perfect forum to begin talking about death in a way that allows each of you to look to the future. You may find it helpful to approach these conversations as a chance to achieve a sense of relief and gradually move towards finding closure.
Ensuring that the service feels personal and meaningful may allow you to share ideas, thoughts, and memories related to the person who has died. Inviting friends and relatives to share photos may help you each feel a sense of belonging and connection on the day, while planting a tree could serve as a living memorial that you can return to each year.
Others may wish to approach the day as a chance for spiritual reflection and prefer to be a little quieter than others. This is understandable and very much their choice, so finding a way to give everyone the time and space they need is a healthy way to approach things.
If the family is far apart due to living arrangements, work commitments, or travel, you may find it helpful to consider a virtual tribute on the day. Flexible options such as video calls, online memorial pages, and photo collages each allow you to connect and feel together even when separated by great distances.
Remembering the shared memories you have of the person who has died and celebrating what they mean to you is the most important thing here. It’s about creating a sense of togetherness in a way that allows you to set the tone for an experience that allows you to continue your healing journey and find enjoyment in other areas of life.
Feeling into how to be present for others during this time may allow you to provide the support and comfort that can make a difference. Listening, being there, and avoiding judgement may enable the person you are talking to to open up in a way they feel comfortable with. Remembering that we each grieve and process our emotions in a unique way may help you to understand that their feelings, while possibly completely different from your own, are always equally valid.
Something as simple as taking a couple of minutes to send a card or flowers can make it feel like you are there in person and ready to listen whenever they feel they need you. You could add a short message where you mention a couple of specific memories or offer an act of unconditional kindness such as cooking them a meal or taking them out for a walk somewhere special. Others find that gifting one of these popular life-affirming books may help to provide a thoughtful and constructive gift that can introduce the recipient to a new way of looking at things.
Your presence matters more than perfect words and unfaltering delivery. Quietly checking in with someone you know is still grieving or struggling emotionally may help you to not only help them but to gain a greater awareness of how you’re feeling too. Being emotionally aware and attuned to the changing nature of grief, especially around landmark dates and occasions, may help you find new ways of thinking about your own healing journey.
Periods of long-term reflection that extend beyond the anniversary itself are both natural and healthy. Not only will it allow you to assess what the person who has died means to you, but it will also afford you the chance to start creating family traditions that make it easier to mark future anniversaries. Remembrance is a lifelong process that some like to see as a chance to keep a part of their loved ones with them as they continue their own journey through life.
Learning how to cope with loss is as much about finding ways to keep memories alive as it is about processing how you feel in the here and now. A memory journal or the simple act of raising donations for a charity that means something can help you feel connected in the months and years ahead. Fundraising, in particular, can turn the act of mourning a death into more of a celebration of life in the long run. If you think of remembrance as an evolving tribute that can ebb and flow as your perspectives change, you can find ways to keep the memories alive that feel suitable and appropriate.
We care deeply about offering help and support that extends far beyond the activities of a regular funeral service provider. We also know that on key anniversaries such as this, it’s natural to start reflecting on our own lives and the legacy we may leave behind.
If you find that you would like to start thinking about how to arrange your own affairs, we offer a range of *prepaid funeral plans for those making plans while still alive. We also have easy-to-read online resources that compare funeral plans from different providers so that you can find an approach that you feel happy with.
*Terms and conditions apply. You will receive a funeral plan summary before purchase.
Regardless of how you’re feeling or what you’re doing as the first death anniversary approaches, we want you to know that we are always right here for you. With a kind word and listening ear always ready and waiting, we can help provide the support and guidance that you need.
Expressing how you feel, what the person who has died means to you, and considering the thoughts and feelings of others may be the right starting point for you. Taking time to reflect on how you can convey the right sentiment while also expressing a willingness to help others could be something you wish to consider as well. Thinking about it as another act of healing that will allow you to continue in life may help you gain the right perspective for your individual case.
One of the most common ways is to have a communal occasion such as a meal or informal memorial service where you can meet to share memories. Thinking of a location or venue that has a deeper meaning may help tie the day together in a way that increases attendance from those you want there. You could also think about ways you could make it an annual tradition so that your loved one’s memory lives on.
Sharing stories is something some people may find helpful as it’s a chance to relive the happy moments you shared with your loved one. Everyone will have their own memories and perspectives, allowing you to see your loved one from a variety of different angles. Other families find that visiting the place where the ashes were scattered can also help them heal.
While it is tempting to offer a template that you can edit, we feel that you may wish to sit with your feelings and then write from the heart. Remember, you are not trying to create something that is word-perfect, only something that feels authentic and real because it is written from your perspective. Some find that speaking aloud as if their loved one were in the room with them can help. Recording what you say and then editing it on paper may help you strike a balance you feel comfortable with.
Active listening is one of the most effective ways to show someone you care about and that you are there for them. While it is natural to want to solve their problems and lift their mood, some may find that doing this too much can make them feel like their feelings are being dismissed or minimised. A quiet, attentive, and reflective approach may strike a balance that makes a real difference on what is a challenging day.
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