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Written by Emily Cross.
15 minute read
When someone close to you dies, it’s normal to feel lost, overwhelmed, or completely shaken. These emotions aren’t signs of weakness, they’re signs of love, and of how much that person mattered. There are many books on grief that will proclaim to be able to tell you how to deal with grief, or that are recommended by people you know.
Some people find comfort in reading the thoughts and reflections of others, turning to books on grief and loss for support. If your grief feels heavy or takes you to unfamiliar emotional places, these books might offer a gentle companion through it all.
Over many years of providing direct cremation services throughout the UK, we have had the honour of talking with some truly extraordinary everyday people. We have used these experiences to shape the suggestions and ideas that form the core of this guide.
We hope you find something here that helps at this difficult time.
Key Takeaways:
Books about grief come in all shapes, sizes, and forms, and as a family-run funeral provider, we completely understand that everyone will be drawn to something different. By exploring the different approaches writers take, we hope that you can find something that resonates with you.
The beauty of elegantly written literature is that it has the ability to mirror the complexity of grief and mourning and show it from a new perspective. If you want to learn about how to cope with the death of a parent, for example, you may find that talking to a friend or your partner and expressing how you feel is not enough. If this is the case, it is natural to look elsewhere for additional support and comfort.
Many people find that they can form a deep sense of connection with the emotional and psychological resonance of grief stories. The simple act of removing yourself from the daily flow of events and grounding yourself in a book for 15 minutes may provide space for reflection and expression. In time, this may help you to come to terms with the death of someone you love and move forward in life.
Grief books are one way to begin the lifelong journey of remembering a loved one, and many see them as a therapeutic companion in bereavement. One reason books can be so powerful is that connecting with a writer, even from another time or place, can ease the loneliness that often comes with grief.
An accessible, thoughtful book that is written with compassion and has a vein of authenticity running through it may help you to feel heard and validated. Knowing that someone you have never met has taken the time to express feelings that run parallel with your own could help you see that what you are experiencing is a universal part of the human condition.
The point isn’t to compare pain or suggest that yours matters less, it’s to remind you that what you’re feeling is deeply human. Knowing others have felt it too can offer a quiet sense of connection, especially if speaking to someone close doesn’t feel possible right now.
Though it may be overwhelming, knowing where to start is often the most difficult part. We hope that the following suggestions may help ease your transition in the world of grief books.
Many of the most celebrated titles in the genre are built around recurring themes of healing, memory, acceptance, and closure. Notable mentions include A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis: A personal memoir Lewis wrote after the death of his wife where he explores the deep turmoil he finds himself in. You may also wish to consider The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion:
A thought-provoking reflection on Didion’s grief following the death of her husband and subsequent illness and death of her daughter.
Because there is no one universal book about grief for everyone, you may find it helps to explore some of the hidden gems that are less well-known. Many of them base their analysis around some of the different symbols of grief and use symbolism to provide a framework in which to explore intense emotions, thoughts, and feelings.
Mourning Diary by Roland Barthes is a diary that started the day after his mother died and charts his journey with authenticity and clarity while maintaining accessibility for readers of all outlooks. There is also Crying in H Mart: A Memoir by Michelle Zauner, a musician in Japan who uses her creative side to express how she feels and form a connection with the reader.
The best books on grief do so much more than simply suggest what to do when someone dies through a series of actionable steps. While direction and clarity may certainly help at times, in our experience, the key is to understand what your grief means to you and then frame it within the wider context of the rest of your life.
The best books about grief for you may prove to be the ones that really focus on the complexity of adult grief and how it often sits alongside a need to continue functioning in terms of family, work, and many of the other things life demands.
Grief is the Thing With Feathers by Max Porter is a novella about grief that is a short yet impactful read and one that may wish to return to several times. The fact that it is compact and engaging may make it feel like less of an investment than an extended novel. There is also Sad Book by Michael Rosen which, although marketed as a children’s book, the author has come to see as a universal story for people of all ages. The authenticity and impact of his words are something that you may feel resonates with you and makes you want to read more widely.
Bereavement books for children are one way you may feel you can create a connection with your child at a time when they may appear withdrawn. Titles such as It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine is designed to be accessible and approachable for young readers. It is also designed to be read by the two of you so that you can guide your child as you see fit.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst and A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness and Siobhan Dowd offer unique perspectives on grief and are designed to talk to parents and children at the same time. Their use of storytelling and illustrations makes them options you may wish to consider if you are looking for a way to help your child both open up and understand what has happened.
There is also a wide array of books that offer insights for therapists and grief counselors, and you may find that reading particular sections of them can help. On Death and Dying by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross covers death, life, and transitions along the journey toward healing. There is also The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Frances O’Connor which takes a scientific look at the foundations of grief and loss.
You may feel that reading select passages is enough, or you may feel like you want to use your reading as a starting point and then seek professional help. Some find that speaking with a professional can help them overcome much of the trauma that they have built up. For example, if you had no idea how to break bad news but had to tell your family that your partner had died, a therapist or counselor may be able to help you find tools to process how this has left you feeling.
You may find that reading serves as a daily ritual that provides an authentic sense of companionship during the course of your healing journey. While the initial stages of denial and anger may not feel like the right times to read, the bargaining and depression stages that often follow may be greatly assisted by an external voice.
If depression leaves you feeling socially and emotionally isolated, for example, you may find that listening to the thoughts and feelings of someone else helps you to feel reconnected to the world around you. Others find that reading is particularly helpful when they want to move through the final stage: acceptance. Hearing how others have navigated this journey may help you understand that you are not alone and that other areas of life will still continue.
The thousands of stories about death that have been written over the centuries are ready and waiting to be explored when you feel ready to do so. There are also countless famous writers who have used their own experiences of grief, loss, and other upsetting incidents to guide their writing so that it is infused with a deep understanding of the human condition. Here are some examples that you may wish to consider:
Not every book that touches on the topic of death has to be a self-help guide or a memoir — sometimes the escapism of fiction may help you to start processing how you feel. The right approach is always the one that feels like it is helping you.
If you are in search of books to help with grief, you may find that the innate positivity of some of the best life-affirming books can help you. Finding time in your schedule to read on a daily basis, even for just a few minutes, may help you to slowly understand the way you are feeling.
Personal memoirs may work well if you want to feel supported and validated, whereas professional grief-help books could be better suited when you feel ready to take action and make changes. The choice of which style and format to read is entirely up to you and not something you should ever feel pressured into making. Grief is personal and you have every right to work through it at your own pace and in your own way.
If you are someone who takes a spiritual approach to viewing the world, you may find comfort in work like When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön. Alternatively, Seriously Messy: Making Space for Families to Talk Together About Death and Life by Joanna Collicutt offers a sensitive way to work toward acceptance, transition, and emotional closure.
Taking some time to sit and reflect on the voice and style of each book you find may help you create the right spiritual connection for you. You should never feel like you have to rush this and you should never feel like you ‘have’ to finish a book even when it is no longer connecting with you on the level it once did.
Some will find a deep connection with the ancient myths and legends about death while others will relate much more to something contemporary. Both approaches, and everything else in between, are equally valid and show how diverse and personal the nature of grief is.
If you find yourself at a point where you think it may be helpful to recommend a book to someone else, you want to consider three key things:
Even if now is not the right time, you may want to remember the book and let the person you are trying to help know that there are times when reading could provide a gentle starting point. You are not forcing them to open up if they don’t feel ready; you are giving them time and space to slowly process how they feel so they can move forward at their own pace.
We believe that our role should always extend to providing help and support in as many areas as possible, that’s why we sincerely hope that you have found something to hold onto in this guide. Each idea and suggestion that we have presented may open up a healing journey that feels right to you, or it may serve to show you that the path you are already on is the right one for you.
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Grief is such a deeply personal experience that there is no universal ‘best’ book for everyone — it’s a matter of finding a piece that connects and resonates with you. Taking your time to consider the various styles and voices in the titles listed above may provide you with a starting point for your search.
Very much so, and many people find that it helps anchor them at a time when so many other areas are in a state of seemingly constant flux. Reading may provide you with the time and space you need to sit with your thoughts and think about what everything means in a wider context.
Yes, we’ve highlighted a variety of different styles from memories and therapeutic books to works of fiction that focus more on storytelling. We never wish to push you in a particular direction, all we ask is that you are kind and patient with yourself while you explore the potential of reading to help you heal.
Children often relate more to stories than to direct conversations as it allows them to gradually understand what has happened at their own pace. A story that they can relate to but that also has engaging elements such as rhyming verse or illustrations may make a real difference to the way your child heals.
Sitting and reading is a mindful practice that can slow down the many racing thoughts and unpredictable emotions that you are understandably experiencing at the moment. It also allows you to begin a dialogue with someone who has put a great deal of thought into the nature of grief and trauma, enabling you to achieve a renewed sense of perspective.
Yes, therapeutic books and self-help books are often used by people who are attempting to move beyond the initial shock that intense grief creates in their lives. If you are someone who finds that having a set path and a series of actionable steps helps, you may wish to explore this genre a little further when you feel emotionally ready.
Emily Dickinson’s poems are renowned for their ability to succinctly and powerfully get to the heart of so much of the human condition. If you feel you want to explore this a little further, you may find that the short and precise nature of poetry is easier to sit with than a book that requires a more prolonged period of attention.
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