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Written by Emily Cross.
12 minute read
Everyone has the right to determine the nature of their relationship with their parents, and there are times when some find that, for whatever reason, their parents are no longer in their lives. When coping with the death of a parent, especially one that is estranged, it may result in a complex combination of emotions that then need to be processed and addressed.
If you are struggling to understand your feelings for an estranged parent, you may find yourself emotionally taxed in a way you were not expecting. Alternatively, you may find that you feel very little and that you are then conscious of what others may think about that fact. You are entitled to approach things however you wish, and all approaches are equally valid.
In our role as a provider of direct cremation services, we have worked with many people who have become estranged from their parents for a variety of reasons. Our intention here is not to judge or reconcile, but to provide ideas on how you could move forward in a way that feels right to you.
Key takeaways:
The death of an estranged parent may feel like an emotionally complex situation because much of your relationship may have been missing, not functioning, or unresolved at the time of death. Trying to figure out how to go about remembering a loved one is something many of us struggle with, so it is understandable to find that you do too, irrespective of the nature of your relationship.
Conflicting emotions may come into play here, with many reporting that they swing between regret, guilt, anger, and relief at various stages of the five stages of grief and healing process. The complex nature of this type of mourning and emotional processing means that you may find it helpful to look for therapeutic support from a professional such as a counsellor or a death doula, or talk regularly to a friend or your partner about how you are feeling.
Take the example of those who find their estranged dad died before they got a chance to rebuild some element of the relationship. They may decide to think about how to deal with grief by looking at traditional coping mechanisms, only to find that they don’t feel heard or represented by what they are reading.
Estrangement can lead to complex issues like delayed mourning, where you may find that you begin to grieve many months after the death. For those who experience this potentially confusing range of emotions, the act of working towards posthumous reconciliation and remembering with compassion may help. It could provide some semblance of closure, even though your parent is no longer alive.
If you find that your estranged parent died without leaving behind any indication that they wanted to repair your relationship, it’s understandable to find this upsetting. Healing activities such as journalling may help you to clarify some of your thoughts by getting them down on paper as you sit and reflect on what they mean. You may also find that you wish to join one of the local support groups and use it as an outlet for processing grief. By focusing on healthy emotional expression and the possible reconnection with positive memories you may have, could help here. Moving at your own pace and in a manner you feel comfortable with is the most important thing.
Attempting to work through and process the death of an estranged parent can be a complex journey to undertake. Breaking things up into a series of smaller decisions may help make things more accessible and relatable:
If you have a deep sense of emotional distance, but still want to participate in some way, you may find that attending in a way that is understated and doesn’t involve participating in traditions such as delivering a reading or placing a hand on the coffin may help. Simply being there and having the knowledge that you attended in your own way may help you to achieve some sense of closure.
Acknowledging their life in writing is something that you may feel daunted by, but that could help you to process how you are feeling and what your relationship means to you. Many people find that choosing to make little or no mention of the reason for the estrangement, and to instead focus on who they were as a person amongst their wider circle, helps provide a sense of closure.
Even if you don’t feel emotionally ready to pay a tribute to them, given your backstory together, you may find that a simple list of where they lived, who they married, and even the jobs they did over the course of their life helps. This could be about telling those in attendance who your parents were without diving into the complex emotional aspects of your relationship with them.
When an estranged parent dies, UK law may get a little more complicated. Our ‘What is probate?’ guide may help at this point as it talks you through many of the legal processes that come into play, one step at a time. Something you may not be aware of is that even if the relationship ceased many years ago, you may still find yourself as the next of kin. This means that you may need to be involved in the inheritance process if no will has been left behind.
Emotions can run high during such processes, and you may find it helps to consult with a local legal specialist. They may be able to provide you with some sense of peace of mind that your rights are being protected at a time when legal processes may be the last thing on your mind. Depending on the current status of your estrangement, you may also find our guide that helps you find out if someone has died useful, too.
Unresolved issues may leave you feeling like you are unable to gain closure. Some find that they never want to think about their parent again, while others decide that they want to achieve some sense of internal reconciliation as part of their healing journey. There are a number of ways that you may wish to consider doing this:
If you are able to take steps to achieve closure, you may find that it allows you to move forward in other areas of life without turning back to a state of regret later on.
Reflecting on past events, good and bad, is a key part of the healing process and may help you to start processing some of those dormant emotions that you haven’t touched on for years. Some report feeling energy when someone dies that they are estranged from, while others feel that the unexpected death of a loved one, such as a parent that they are no longer in contact with, comes as a profound shock. All reactions are equally valid and may be greatly helped by sitting and reflecting on the memories you have, regardless of what form they take.
Having someone you can talk to in confidence about the death of your parent may help you process how you are feeling at this difficult time. If you feel able to open up to them and share memories and thoughts that may have been repressed for many years, you may find that pursuing this path in a way that you feel comfortable with makes a real difference.
It’s also important to be kind to yourself and to remember that you may not grieve in the same way as a friend who has been in contact with their parents without an interruption. You have the right to live your life and define your relationships how you see fit, and the same applies to the way you grieve and process your emotions. You may also find that exploring some of the timeless stories about death that are out there may provide a source of comfort and validation.
You may find that there are some people in your life who do not understand why you are grieving, given that you have not been in contact for some time. If someone in your life expresses these feelings to you, it’s perfectly understandable if you find them hurtful or think that they are minimising your grief.
Taking a step back and trying to remind yourself that, rather than trying to hurt you, they simply may not know what it feels like to be estranged from your parents may help. Some people find it helpful to express the idea that their feelings and emotions regarding their parents are still there, but that they have been lying dormant for some time. Their death then brought them back to the surface and left them searching for answers and trying to figure out whether or not they regret the course their relationship took in the past.
If you feel able to express this to a friend or loved one, we believe you will find that they take it away and reflect on it so they can better understand how you are feeling.
We hope that we have been able to provide some sense of direction and comfort during a potentially difficult time. If you would like some practical help, we have a guide where we
compare funeral plans. If recent events have made you think more about your own legacy, we also offer *pre-paid funeral plans that help you to get your affairs in order while still alive.
No matter what you need or when you need it, we are always right here for you. We feel it’s the least we can do at a time when you may understandably feel pulled in several different directions.
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This is very much a personal question and may depend largely on why you were estranged in the first place. The most important thing is to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel however you find you feel. All of your feelings and emotions are valid, and trying to repress them because you feel it is the right thing to do may make the healing process a lot harder.
While no one has the right to tell you to go, you may find that attending in some form helps provide some sense of closure. That said, you may find that a personal memorial with just yourself, or no formal act of acknowledgement of the death at all, feels more appropriate. If you feel able to discuss your choice with a close friend or your partner, you may find that they have a fresh perspective on things that may help.
It’s understandable to feel upset even if they have not been in your life for many years, and it’s also understandable if you find you feel little or nothing, and that you continue as normal. Being kind and compassionate with yourself will help you to sit with how you feel and reflect on how to process it.
If you feel upset that they have died even though you chose to remove them from your life, this is not a sign that you are weak. If you had little or no control over the estrangement and now feel nothing emotionally, this is not a sign that you are cold. You are entitled to your emotions, and you are entitled to process them as you see fit.
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