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Written by Emily Cross.
17 minute read
Coping with the death of a parent is perhaps one of the hardest things many of us will have to face, and it is something that may leave us feeling like we don’t know who to turn to. Parents who have been a constant presence in our lives, but who are now no longer here, may be missed in a way that is hard to put into words when it first happens. Hearing those words from someone else may provide a great source of comfort and support.
If your friend or loved one has recently experienced the death of a parent, being able to reach out and provide comfort may make a real difference to their healing journey. As providers of direct cremation services for many years, we always take note of the different ways that the people we have the honour of serving help others in their lives.
Our intention today is to provide some ideas and new perspectives on grief and grieving that may help you to find a choice of words that you feel is appropriate. Taking a moment to consider these suggestions and then using them as starting points as you add your own personalisation, may help you to strike a balance that makes a real difference.
Key takeaways:
During our time as a family-run funeral provider, we have had the privilege of seeing some truly inspirational acts of kindness and support. Losing a parent is a deeply personal and potentially life-changing experience that often results in profound and prolonged grief. While we all understand this, you may find that a little additional consideration of your choice of words helps at this time.
Reflecting on the need for compassion, understanding, and thoughtful communication in your own way could help you to arrive at an approach that you feel comfortable with and confident in. It’s also important to stress that presence and consistent emotional support are always preferred to perfection and poetic choices of words. Being there for the person you love is the most important thing of all.
The grief that follows the death of a loved one is always valid, but how that grief is experienced can depend on the circumstances of the loss. The unexpected death of a loved one, for example, may cause a level of upset that can feel different from the death of a loved one that is more expected. There’s no preparation, no final conversation, no gradual realisation. Shock often arrives before sadness, and people can find themselves struggling to process what’s just happened. It may feel surreal, hard to accept, or leave behind a sense of unfinished business.
On the other hand, when a death is expected, after a long illness or a slow decline—grief may come more gradually, even manifesting as anticipatory grief before the person has passed. There’s time to say goodbye, to plan, to reflect. But that doesn’t mean the pain is any less. In fact, the drawn-out nature of expected death can bring its own emotional toll, and people may feel conflicted, worn down, or find that their emotions surface later than expected.
Every grief story is different, but starting with kindness opens the door for someone to feel seen—whatever they’re carrying.
Not everyone will want to jump straight in and start talking about death and dying in extensive detail, and there is nothing wrong with this. Many may find that they prefer a softer, gentler form of outreach to begin with, such as:
These types of phrases focus on conveying empathy, delivering validation, and providing a sincere acknowledgment of their grief. You may also notice that we have intentionally avoided advice-based language that may overwhelm the person you are talking to. We have also made sure to avoid comparative language that may unintentionally come across as dismissive.
Tailoring your choice of words in line with your relationship with the recipient is something that may feel easier said than done. Understandably, you want to show that you care, that you are validating their feelings, and that you are there for them, but you may also be concerned about coming across as too familiar if you are not as close to them as others in their life may be.
Here are some examples for close friends:
Here are some examples for colleagues:
Here are some examples for acquaintances:
If you find yourself overthinking what to say, you may find it helps to know that the recipient will value sincerity over finding the ‘perfect’ wording. By being present in their lives, you show them that you are there for them at a time when they may not feel emotionally able to reach out and ask for help.
There are also a variety of different ways you can reach out when someone you care about is coping with grief. Condolence cards, texts, letters, and private messages all have their own formats and standard practices, but this doesn’t have to overwhelm you if you’re struggling to find the words.
Here are some common ways that you can reach out quickly and succinctly when you first hear about the death in their family:
Even if you cannot offer support in person, reaching out quickly when you first hear about the death will allow you to be present in some form. The point here is not to solve all of their issues with one perfect message — you’re showing that you are thinking of them, that you empathise with how they feel, and that you are available to talk or help as and when they need you. Thinking less about how to start a conversation about death and more about establishing an initial presence may help you to start putting pen to paper.
Your words don’t just have to establish a presence and offer help; comfort is another key thing to focus on here. By letting the recipient know that you are someone who may be able to validate their feelings or serve as someone who will just sit and listen, you are helping them process the complex range of emotions they are experiencing right now.
The unique bond between mother and child is something that many people take with them for the whole of their lives, and when their mother dies, they may be left without one of the key people in their support network. Here are some simple phrases that may help you make first contact at this difficult time:
Compassion expressed through warm and understanding language is something that may help to show the recipient you are with them right now. You may also find that using wording that focuses on honouring their mother’s legacy helps to show the recipient that you appreciate how she lived her life and the way she touched the lives of many of the people she met along the way.
There are some grief poems for healing that, if you know the person well, you may feel comfortable sharing a short verse or line from. This is very much a personal choice that would be guided by your individual relationship with them and what you know about their interests and outlook on the world. Sometimes, poetic expression may help to convey feelings and sentiments that are too complex for simpler phrasing like that outlined above.
Similar phrases could also be used to express condolences for the loss of a father:
If you know the person well enough to understand the unique relationship they had with their father, you may find that sharing a memory or making a small reference to a defining element of his personality may also help. Taking a moment to consider how you could find a choice of words that you feel comfortable with and that you think may help your friend or loved one could also give you time to process how you feel.
A silent presence combined with active listening is something that may be highly effective, but also something that is easy to overlook. By being there and sitting with your loved one, but allowing them space to express how they feel, you give them permission to voice many of the complex emotions that are taking shape inside of them.
Compassionate listening of this sort actively validates grief and fosters healing in a way that shows the person you are helping that they are both supported and cared for. As you find that they begin to open up and share more, you may find that the way they have been talking resonates with one of the trusted books about grief that have helped many others. As the weeks and months go by, if you feel it is appropriate, you might consider a gift of this sort.
While there are plenty of beautiful heartfelt condolence messages that you could choose from, there are also turns of phrase and sentiments that you may wish to avoid. While you will be sharing them with the best of intentions, it may be the case that you unintentionally minimise their grief or cause offense. With this in mind, we have compiled a short list of phrases that you may wish to consider leaving out:
Phrases that may feel minimising, dismissive, or unintentionally hurtful should generally be avoided, in our experience. Likewise, avoiding clichés and focusing on genuine empathy may help show your loved one that you have put time and thought into their situation and that you genuinely care.
When you have a close friend who experiences this type of shock in their life, you will likely want to try to make sure they are okay. You may find that it helps to break the healing process down into two distinct parts and then adapt your approach accordingly.
The first few days after a death may be the most tumultuous emotionally, especially if you find that your friend is in a state of profound shock or denial. Their feelings are completely understandable and are commonly seen in many people who have just found out about the death of a parent, and being there for them may help make a real difference.
Even if you know them well enough to visit them unannounced, making sure to send a short condolence message as well may help them see just how much support is out there for them. From this humble, heartfelt starting point, you could then look to offer simple acts of kindness, such as meals, help with childcare arrangements, or just sitting together and being present. Being there is not about solving issues; it is about showing support.
Staying connected in the weeks and months that follow, as well as on important anniversaries, is something that may make a real difference to your friend. Simple check-ins like sending a text to let them know you’re thinking of them or calling just to chat about life and the events of the day could make them feel more connected to the people around them. There is also a lot to be said for offering practical help.
Simple tasks like grocery shopping, walking the dog, or childcare may all feel overwhelming at one point or another, and being there for your friend is something they may really appreciate. They may even ask you to help with practical matters around the funeral or memorial service, in which case our guide, where we compare funeral plans, may help you.
At other times, you may also find that your friend wishes to use your company as a welcome distraction. Something as simple as going for a walk with them, inviting them over for coffee, or playing a sport together just like you did before their parent died could all be important. If you have a shared passion or a common interest, you may find that your friend really values the sense of normality that returning to these types of activities provides.
You may also want to take a step back at times and reflect on how much you are giving to your friend. Managing your own mental energy and making sure that you can sustainably offer what you want to is really important, not just for you, but for your friend at a time when they are grieving. By being proactive when it comes to your own self-care, you may be able to manage your energy significantly better so that you can be there for your friend so much more.
Being present and listening is very often more helpful than any specific words. If you feel like the friend or loved one you are trying to help would, perhaps, find it easier to open up to someone who is outside of their immediate circle, you may find that putting them in touch with a professional could help. One such well-established service is Marie Curie’s Telephone Bereavement Service, which allows you to make a call at a time of your convenience and to then find ways to express how you feel at your own pace.
You may find that recommending such an approach to your friend helps them to feel heard, listened to, and supported. These types of services may also be able to offer fresh perspectives and new insights into what the healing journey may look like in the weeks and months that lie ahead.
We sincerely hope that you have found something you feel able to share, or perhaps use as a starting point when you want to reach out to a friend or loved one. While much of what we do is focused on practical matters, such as *pre-paid funeral plans for those who wish to arrange their affairs while still alive, we know that it’s the human side of things that matters most.
Our team is kind, caring, compassionate, and understanding, allowing them to help in a way that is designed to put you at ease and make you feel heard. Whenever you need, we are always right here, ready and waiting to extend a helping hand at a time when you may feel like you don’t know where else to turn.
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Speaking from the heart and showing them that you are there for them and happy to listen to anything they want to say, whenever they want to say it, is one of the most comforting things you can do. By being present in their life in a way that doesn’t run the risk of overwhelming them, you could make a real difference to how they feel able to heal.
Trying to avoid making it about yourself by comparing your grief with their grief is something you may consider very important. Likewise, avoiding phrases that unintentionally minimise their grief or imply that the death was somehow for the best, in that it may have ended suffering, is also important.
Being present. By showing your friend that you are there for them and that you can help in a way that makes them feel supported and validated, you allow yourself to be present should they need you. You know them so well and have those little insights that it is not possible for us to cover here, and that means a small period of thought and reflection may help you to adapt your approach in just the right way.
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